Apex Predator: What they'd Drive: Historical Figures

I like history, it's filled with tales of bravery, perseverance, luck and plenty of tragedy. But I think that it's the great men and women of history that really make us feel connected. They force us to stop and remember that history is made by real people with real feelings, real needs, real thoughts and real preferences.

And just what would those preferences be when setting out to buy a new or used car? Well that is the extremely important question I will now attempt to answer. Of course, it's never possible to know for sure, but with a little bit of research and the perspective of time, I think we can make some pretty good guesses.

1. Henry the VIII - NSU Ro 80

NSU Ro 80 - full sized sedan for a full sized man

Henry the VIII was never big on convention. The Catholic church, marriage, the piston engine, these are all things Henry scoffed at. He was your classic early adopter, being the very first member of The Church of England. It makes sense then, that he'd also be an early adopter of the rotary engine.

But of course Henry the VIII's notoriety is mostly due to his six wives. Much like Henry's wives, the Ro 80 had a reputation for expiring well before it's time. Engines were known to last fewer than 30,000 miles. This would be a problem for most people. Hell, it was enough of a problem that you may not have even heard of NSU before. However, we're talking about a rich dude who clearly had no problem when it came to procuring replacements. "Out with the old, in with the new" is still a refrain occasionally sung by rotary enthusiasts to this very day.

2. Pope Urban II - Toyota Prius

You may be asking yourself "who is this guy?" (or you may not, in which case, pat yourself on the back, fellow history nerd.) The answer is "he's an inspiration." No, literally, as in he gave a speech that was so inspirational it caused the first crusade. Though no known copy of his famous speech still exists, new research has allowed us to confidently guess that the first words of the speech were "like, oh my god, don't you even care about the environment!?"

But how did this happen? Well it all started when Emperor Alexios of the Byzantine empire sent a request to the pope for a few more troops to help fight the Turks. But Alexios didn't get "a few more troops" he got a metric shitton of knights, foot soldiers, men, women and children who all decided to go manifest destiny on his land and former land. This was not help, this was dispossessed European nobles trying to carve their own mini-empires out of land taken from him by the Turks. Any complaints Alexios or anyone else might have had, were filed in the "SHUT UP, WE'RE BEING HOLY" cabinet never to see the light of day.

The environment circa the late 90's, was in much the same position as poor emperor Alexios. "Hey auto industry, how about you throw me a bone?" it seemed to say. But the enviornment didn't get a bone, instead it got 3000lbs of smug, battery acid and heavy metals. This was not help, this was deluded Californians trying to assuage their own guilt over the environmental impact of their discarded Starbucks cups. Any complaints about the actual environmental impact of Prii were swiftly downed with shouts of "SHUT UP 60 MPG" and were never allowed to see the light of day.

3. Genghis Khan - late 90's Evo Rally Car

Genghis Khan and Tommi Makkinen both traveled long and far, across a variety of terrain to conquer pretty much everything set before them. Both of them knew a thing or two about horsepower and both of them were as cold blooded as it gets.

But there are other reasons I think that the Khan of Khans would be partial to mid 90's lancer Rally cars. As a guy who likes camping, he'd obviously appreciate the all-wheel drive capabilities of the Lancer, while it's 2 liter engine means that it's even relatively fuel efficient for long drives across the desert. Of course neither of them quite completed Peking to Paris, but you get the feeling they probably could've if things were just a little different.

But why not Loeb's even more dominant Citroen you may ask? Well for one Genghis is a famous conqueror and is therefore not allowed to drive anything french. For two, I have to believe that any man who appreciates the intricacies of horse archery is probably into driving a traditional manual transmission. Hell, he probably thinks synchromesh is for pussies.

4. Ludwig von Beethoven - BMW M5

We now arrive at our all Teutonic entry, with famous composer Ludwig von Beethoven. Known for his heavy handed, yet still refined melodies, the BMW M5 perfectly sums up what Beethoven is all about. At one moment his music can be soft, unobtrusive and even dainty. At the next moment you're charging through the countryside, emotions at full boil, seeing nothing but red. Such a split personality is perfect for the practical supersedan from Bavaria.

But Beethoven captures our imagination not just with his music, but with his tragedy. There is no worse curse for a composer than to slowly loose one's hearing. That sweet music which he loved steadily faded without the use of complicated devices of dubious effectiveness. Thankfully BMW saw fit to equip the M5 with a complicated device of dubious effectiveness. Yes, the M5 pumps fake engine sounds through the cars speakers which would potentially allow the nearly deaf; such as poor Ludwig, a chance to hear that sweet sweet music.

5. Julius Ceasar- Early 911 Turbo

Some men can have more power than they know what to do with and it's still not enough. Those people should stay the hell away from an old 911 turbo.

But poor Julius Ceasar would have to do it. I can practically hear him making the argument in my head "But I've already got a 911 and it's just not fast enough. I'm the Emperor, I should have the best version."

"Beware of what lies behind you" I'd counter, "beware, for treachery waits until you least expect it to rear it's ugly head." But all for naught.

Poor poor Julius Ceasar. Too trusting that those in the back will always follow those in the front, not realizing that their quest for power will be his undoing.

Then finally, on a spirited drive after a perfect turn-in and a perfect apex, Julius would give the 911 some beans. "Et tu, turbo?" He'd exclaim in shock. Realizing, too late what was about to happen. But such is the fate of Julius Ceasar, a master of so much, brought down by the treachery of snap oversteer.

Honorable Mentions.

Joan of Arc - Any Ferrari