What they'd Drive: Historical Figures

I like history, it's filled with tales of bravery, perseverance, luck and plenty of tragedy. But I think that it's the great men and women of history that really make us feel connected. They force us to stop and remember that history is made by real people with real feelings, real needs, real thoughts and real preferences.

And just what would those preferences be when setting out to buy a new or used car? Well that is the extremely important question I will now attempt to answer. Of course, it's never possible to know for sure, but with a little bit of research and the perspective of time, I think we can make some pretty good guesses.

1. Henry the VIII - NSU Ro 80

 

NSU Ro 80 - full sized sedan for a full sized man

Henry the VIII was never big on convention. The Catholic church, marriage, the piston engine, these are all things Henry scoffed at. He was your classic early adopter, being the very first member of The Church of England. It makes sense then, that he'd also be an early adopter of the rotary engine. 

But of course Henry the VIII's notoriety is mostly due to his six wives.  Much like Henry's wives, the Ro 80 had a reputation for expiring well before it's time. Engines were known to last fewer than 30,000 miles. This would be a problem for most people. Hell, it was enough of a problem that you may not have even heard of NSU before. However, we're talking about a rich dude who clearly had no problem when it came to procuring replacements. "Out with the old, in with the new" is still a refrain occasionally sung by rotary enthusiasts to this very day.

2. Pope Urban II - Toyota Prius

 

You may be asking yourself "who is this guy?" (or you may not, in which case, pat yourself on the back, fellow history nerd.) The answer is "he's an inspiration." No, literally, as in he gave a speech that was so inspirational it caused the first crusade. Though no known copy of his famous speech still exists, new research has allowed us to confidently guess that the first words of the speech were "like, oh my god, don't you even care about the environment!?"

But how did this happen? Well it all started when Emperor Alexios of the Byzantine empire sent a request to the pope for a few more troops to help fight the Turks.  But Alexios didn't get "a few more troops" he got a metric shitton of knights, foot soldiers, men, women and children who all decided to go manifest destiny on his land and former land. This was not help, this was dispossessed European nobles trying to carve their own mini-empires out of land taken from him by the Turks. Any complaints Alexios or anyone else might have had, were filed in the "SHUT UP, WE'RE BEING HOLY" cabinet never to see the light of day.

The environment circa the late 90's, was in much the same position as poor emperor Alexios. "Hey auto industry, how about you throw me a bone?" it seemed to say. But the enviornment didn't get a bone, instead it got 3000lbs of smug, battery acid and heavy metals. This was not help, this was deluded Californians trying to assuage their own guilt over the environmental impact of their discarded Starbucks cups. Any complaints about the actual environmental impact of Prii were swiftly downed with shouts of "SHUT UP 60 MPG" and were never allowed to see the light of day.

3. Genghis Khan - late 90's Evo Rally Car

Genghis Khan and Tommi Makkinen both traveled long and far, across a variety of terrain to conquer pretty much everything set before them. Both of them knew a thing or two about horsepower and both of them were as cold blooded as it gets.

But there are other reasons I think that the Khan of Khans would be partial to mid 90's lancer Rally cars. As a guy who likes camping, he'd obviously appreciate the all-wheel drive capabilities of the Lancer, while it's 2 liter engine means that it's even relatively fuel efficient for long drives across the desert. Of course neither of them quite completed Peking to Paris, but you get the feeling they probably could've if things were just a little different. 

But why not Loeb's even more dominant Citroen you may ask? Well for one Genghis is a famous conqueror and is therefore not allowed to drive anything french. For two, I have to believe that any man who appreciates the intricacies of horse archery is probably into driving a traditional manual transmission. Hell, he probably thinks synchromesh is for pussies.

4. Ludwig von Beethoven - BMW M5

 

We now arrive at our all Teutonic entry, with famous composer Ludwig von Beethoven. Known for his heavy handed, yet still refined melodies, the BMW M5 perfectly sums up what Beethoven is all about. At one moment his music can be soft, unobtrusive and even dainty. At the next moment you're charging through the countryside, emotions at full boil, seeing nothing but red. Such a split personality is perfect for the practical supersedan from Bavaria. 

But Beethoven captures our imagination not just with his music, but with his tragedy. There is no worse curse for a composer than to slowly loose one's hearing. That sweet music which he loved steadily faded without the use of complicated devices of dubious effectiveness. Thankfully BMW saw fit to equip the M5 with a complicated device of dubious effectiveness. Yes, the M5 pumps fake engine sounds through the cars speakers which would potentially allow the nearly deaf; such as poor Ludwig, a chance to hear that sweet sweet music. 

5. Julius Ceasar- Early 911 Turbo

Some men can have more power than they know what to do with and it's still not enough. Those people should stay the hell away from an old 911 turbo. 

But poor Julius Ceasar would have to do it. I can practically hear him making the argument in my head "But I've already got a 911 and it's just not fast enough. I'm the Emperor, I should have the best version."

"Beware of what lies behind you" I'd counter, "beware, for treachery waits until you least expect it to rear it's ugly head." But all for naught.

Poor poor Julius Ceasar. Too trusting that those in the back will always follow those in the front, not realizing that their quest for power will be his undoing.

Then finally, on a spirited drive after a perfect turn-in and a perfect apex, Julius would give the 911 some beans. "Et tu, turbo?" He'd exclaim in shock. Realizing, too late what was about to happen. But such is the fate of Julius Ceasar, a master of so much, brought down by the treachery of snap oversteer.

Honorable Mentions.

Joan of Arc - Any Ferrari

Ben Franklin - Tesla Model S

Thomas Edison - An entire fleet of Chinese knockoffs

John Rockefeller - Whale Penis SUV

"JRock needs his whale cock!" -John D Rockefeller May 12, 1918

Top ten cheap hoonmobiles

What cars are best for peeling out of dairy queen, doing some donuts and getting sideways as often as possible? These are.

I've narrowed my list to cars that can be bought used for less than ten large. The cheaper the better, because hooning is never kind to the hoonee. I've also only included rear-wheel-drive cars, because trying to do donuts in front wheel drive cars makes you look like an idiot and any sub $10K awd car that can be convinced to do donuts, is about 3 seconds away from breaking.

So without further ado, here they are:

10. Late model Dodge Charger/Chrysler 300

Pros: Long wheelbase for stability, if your parents own one you can maybe drive it for free, even base model worthy of hoonage.

Cons: Base model is a v6, which though plenty powerful, is still...you know...not a V8, no manual transmission. If you're buying on your own, kinda expensive still.

The last of the big RWD family sedans, the Charger and 300 twins made enough power in any trim to get into trouble. The lack of M/T may be a dealbreaker for some, but if you're looking for big spacious and still modern, your options may be limited. It's also practical, but if you take that into too much consideration you probably want to stop reading right now.

9. 1st Generation Mazda RX7

Pros: Lightweight for nice cornering if you're into that kind of thing, simple to work on, obnoxious engine note, not quite a classic

Cons: Lack of power, might be confused for a classic

 For the more refined hoon, the RX7 is light and tossable. Skinny tires are the secret to smokey shenanegans with only limited horsepower, but without power steering the RX7 still feels sufficiently manly to not make prospective hoons scoff.

8. Nissan 240SX

Pros: Good at sideways, easy to mod, lightweight

Cons: Everyone rolling their eyes when you tell them what you drive, having to use the word "Brah" once you own one, not much power

I think it's safe to say that the word is out on 240SXs. Prices may be inflated right now, but they're still cheap and they still go sideways. In many ways this is the slightly more modern version of the RX7. Thankfully it's still old enough to look like a beater

7. Early 90's Camaro/Trans Am

Pros: The most redneck car ever produced, finally a car that matches your wifebeater, V8 growl

Cons: The most redneck car ever produced, beware the V6, probably broken.

This generation Camaro is amazing in it's trashiness. If that's what you're going for, the search ends here. Nothing tops this, if your perfect day involves buttrock, DQ and burnouts on a sunny afternoon this is the car you must own. My take on the Trans Am is exactly the same, only you have to go back AND RE-READ THIS ENTIRE SECTION IN CAPS, WHILE REPLACING THE WORD "CAMARO" WITH "TRANS AM"

6. Nissan 300ZX

Pros: Unloved and unlovely means cheap, weirdly sophisticated and comfortable, turbocharger available.

Cons: no V8, too complex

This is the car for everyone who secretly wants a 1991 Camaro, but just can't bring themselves to do it. You get to keep the T-Tops, and the decently torquey engine. You miss out on the V8. Still this is a well balanced donut and burnout machine that wont turn heads when you're just casually driving through town (on your way to do a burnout.)

5. MKIII Supra

Pros: It's a Supra!, turbocharging optional, speed and handling and comfort, reliability

Cons: III

Owning a MKIII Supra is probably like being friends with Ryan Goslings significantly less attractive and less talented older brother. You've got a Supra* man! It's fast!** it's easily moddable!*** it's even good looking!**** and it was cheap!*****

*Not a MKIV
**Not as fast as a MK IV
***Cant make as much power as a MK IV
**** Not as good looking as a MK IV
***** Way, way, way, way cheaper than a MKIV

4. Lincoln Towncar

Pros: Ride, length, beater appeal and above all class

Cons: Not really a performance car, no M/T

Who are you? The classiest motherfucker in town that's who! You make the classiest donuts in classy parking lots and your burnouts bring warmth to the hearts of old people everywhere. Oh sure squishy suspension and stuff, but body roll can be hilarious and scary, so there's that.

3. E36 BMW

Pros: All around performance, class (but not as much as the Lincoln) actually a pretty good car and stuff.

Cons: Expensive parts, classy in the bad way (European), no V8

If you need to hoon, but don't necessarily want to look like a hoon, the E36 325i is the car for you. Instead you can look like a lost yuppie from the 90's, or a like a hipster 3 years from now, once they've crashed all the e30s. It's honestly a pretty great car in other ways too, fast, M/T, even kind of practical and good looking.

2. Late 90's Camaro/Trans AM

Pros: Still rednecky, engine/price combo is unbeatable, T-tops, actually fast.

Cons: Giving up on having good taste

Look at this fucking car. If it could speak it would say "I'm ready for penetration." Everything else aside though, its got a goddamn Corvette engine in it. From a pure mechanical standpoint this thing wins it all. It is the perfect hoonmobile.

1. Fox Body Mustang

Pros: V8, simple chassis, weirdly good looking, street cred, light weight

Cons: slower than a late 90's Camaro

Look, Camaro guys will put the Camaro first and Mustang guys will put the Mustang first. No harm if you want to swap these two picks. However i'd argue that the mustang is slightly more iconic and that it has greater potential. It really can be made to do anything well for not much money. It's like the swiss army knife of POS american cars from the late 80's. It's awesome.

Japan's unloved rally cars

Japanese cars participated in the WRC as far back as the 70's, but it was always their attempts in the eighties and nineties that captivated me. Their failed and then successful attempts at selling homologated versions of these cars in the US is equally interesting. As such I'd like to highlight a few of the early rally cars that Japan tried to sell us.


1988-1989 Toyota Celica All-Trac

Full disclaimer: A 1988 Celica All-trac was the first car I ever owned. I loved it and it will always have a soft spot in my heart.

The fourth generation Celica was introduced to the U.S. in 1986, having made the switch from RWD to FWD. The engine was also new, with the top of the line GT-S making 135hp from its 2.0L S series engine which, unlike the power plant in the third generation Celica, didn't do double duty as a truck power plant.

Japan brought over the All-trac in 1988. The most obvious additions were all-wheel-drive and a turbocharger. The all-wheel-drive system used a viscous center differential to send power to all four wheels with a 50-50 torque split. The turbocharger boosted the horsepower of the new engine up to 190.

It was a reasonably fast car, hitting sixty in the low seven second range, a time likely hampered by the difficulty of launching an all-wheel-drive car. Like most turbocharged cars from the 80's the turbo lagged before coming on fairly suddenly, usually above 3000 RPM.

Shifting was handled by a five speed manual transmission with one of the longest throws ever seen on a sports car. The action was relatively imprecise offering not much feel or smoothness. The upshot was that the Celica All-Trac had one of the most durable transmissions ever built and unlike many of the other cars listed here, Celica All-Tracs rarely faced expensive transmission failure problems once they were a little older.

The Celica All-Trac was relatively heavy at around 3200lbs, thanks to that all-wheel-drive system. It was also somewhat softly sprung and with relatively skinny tires, the chassis would melt into understeer fairly easily. Though decently capable at the time, it wasn't a brilliant car to drive on pavement. The steering was relatively numb, and the car only felt really good up to about eight tenths.

Dirt and snow were another matter entirely. The 50-50 torque split really made its self known on loose surfaces where the All-Trac would feel both stable and relatively easy to rotate under power. The soft suspension also started to make sense and the vehicle would transform from a slightly clumsy sports car to a capable and fun to drive rally machine.

Production numbers are a bit of a mystery, with Toyota claiming to have built around 26,000 turbocharged all-wheel-drive Celicas between 1986 and 1989. It is likely that only about 3000 of those made it to the U.S however, making it an extremely rare car in this country.

1990-1991 Galant VR-4

The Galant VR-4 has the distinction of being the only one of these cars to leave some sort of lasting physical impression on the U.S. until the great rally car boom in the mid 2000's. Sold for only two years in North America, the Galant VR-4's drivetrain would continue to soldier on in the Eclipse GSX and Eagle Talon TSi AWD through two more generations of those cars before finally bowing out in the late nineties. The drivetrain would then re-emerge with the introduction of Lancer Evolution in the U.S. several years later, finally dying for the last time when it was replaced in the most recent version of the Lancer Evolution.

The 1990 Galant VR-4 demonstrates just how diverse the WRC field was in the late eighties. Economy car based hatchbacks like the Mazda 323GTX and Lancia Delta Integrale mixed it up with sports coupes like the Celica all-trac and mid-sized sedans like the Galant VR-4 and Subaru Legacy Turbo. Who would've guessed that it was the economy cars that eventually won out in the WRC? Never the less, the big Galants and Legacys were fun to watch, as they took up the whole road going sideways.

Roadgoing VR-4s were imported in extremely limited numbers in the U.S., 1000 came over in 1990 and 2000 came over in 1991. They were powered by a 195hp 2.-L 4-cylinder turbocharged engine which, like everything else here, sent power to all four wheels. Zero to sixty times were in the mid seven second range, though like the Celica, launching on a drag strip was problematic with all-wheel-drive. Unique to the Galant however, was a four wheel steering system, which activated at speeds above 31 mph and allowed the rear wheels to turn up to 1.5 degrees in order to improve handling.

The Galant VR-4 wasn't helped by its peculiar styling which Car and Driver once compared to Frigidaire, but rally cars have never been about looking good, ugliness is all part of the charm.

Mazda 323 GTX

Where the Galant VR-4 was ugly, the 323 GTX was ugly AND anonymous. Based on a lowly economy hatchback in the last couple of years before a redesign, the 323 GTX was never the less a diamond in the rough.

One of the best things about these cars was the engineering that went into them. They were more than just turbocharged all-wheel-drive versions of the cars they were based on. The 323 GTX actually rode on a wider track than the standard 323 and it featured a stiffer chassis. These weren't just special editions, they were half way to being an entirely different car.

Power came from a 1.6L four cylinder that also did duty in the Miata. However in this application, it was turbocharged and intercooled for a total of 132 horsepower. While this is down quite a bit from the 190-ish horsepower in the VR-4 and All-trac, the 323 GTX also weighs significantly less, at under 2700lbs. That weight was good for the time, but by todays standards, the 323 GTX is practically a featherweight, comparing favorably to the Subaru BRZ.

The GTX's light weight was really it's trump card over the other road going rally cars available from the period. Where the Celica could occasionally feel ponderous, the 323 was nimble and tossable. It was a sports car where the other two were grand tourers.

Unfortunately the 323 GTX was only sold for two years, in 1988 and 1989. About 1200 were sold in the U.S., roughly half of the target number Mazda was hoping for. Potential buyers were put off by a price that was compromised by the expensive additions of all-wheel-drive and turbocharging, viewing it as complexity for complexities sake.

It is just this complexity, however that makes these road going rally cars so interesting. These were cars built by engineers, not bean counters. They were a glimpse into the future, yet none of them sold. They were a case of being too ahead of their time to be commercially successful. Now they're just interesting relics of the past, but maybe someday they'll be recognized as classic automobiles from an era ripe with possibilities.